Happiness

The Grief of 1 Million COVID Deaths Is Not Going Away

Lucy Esparza-Casarez thinks she caught the coronavirus whereas working the polls throughout California’s 2020 main election, earlier than bringing it residence to her husband, David, her sister-in-law Yolanda, and her mother-in-law Balvina. Though Lucy herself developed what she calls “the worst flu times 100,” David fared worse. Lucy took him to the hospital on March 20, the final time she noticed him within the flesh. He died on April 3, 9 days earlier than their wedding ceremony anniversary, on the age of 69. Lucy stated goodbye over Skype. During that point, Yolanda fell in poor health too; after two months within the hospital, she died on June 1. Balvina, in the meantime, recovered from her bout with COVID-19, however, distraught after dropping two youngsters in as many months, she died on June 16. Lucy discovered herself alone in her residence for the primary time in 23 years. Because the hospital by no means returned David’s belongings, she didn’t even have his wedding ceremony ring.

Lucy had coped with the losses of her father, sister, and mom within the twenty years earlier than the pandemic. But she advised me that what she feels now’s essentially completely different. She by no means obtained to consolation David earlier than he died, by no means obtained to mourn him within the firm of mates, and by no means escaped the fixed reminders of the illness that killed him. Every information story twisted the knife. Every surge salted the wound. Two years later, she remains to be inundated by her grief. “And now people are saying we can get back to normal,” she advised me. “What’s normal?”

The quantity of people that have died of COVID-19 within the United States has at all times been undercounted as a result of such counts depend on often-inaccurate demise certificates. But the entire, because the CDC and different official sources counsel, will quickly surpass 1 million. That quantity—the sum of 1,000,000 particular person tragedies—is sort of too massive to understand, and just a few professions have borne visceral witness to the pandemic’s immense scale. Alanna Badgley has been an EMT since 2010, “and the number of people I’ve pronounced dead in the last two years has eclipsed that of the first 10,” she advised me. Hari Close, a funeral director in Baltimore, advised me that he cared for households who “were burying three or four people weeks apart.” Maureen O’Donnell, an obituary author on the Chicago Sun-Times, advised me that she often writes “about people who had a beautiful arc to their life,” however in the course of the pandemic, she has discovered herself writing about lives that had been “cut short, like trees being cut down.” On common, every one who has died of COVID has carried out so roughly a decade earlier than their time.

In simply two years, COVID has turn into the third commonest reason for demise within the U.S., which signifies that additionally it is the third main reason for grief within the U.S. Each American who has died of COVID has left a mean of 9 shut kinfolk bereaved, making a neighborhood of grievers bigger than the inhabitants of all however 11 states. Under regular circumstances, 10 p.c of bereaved folks could be anticipated to develop extended grief, which is unusually intense, incapacitating, and chronic. But for COVID grievers, that proportion could also be even increased, as a result of the pandemic has ticked off many threat elements.

Deaths from COVID have been surprising, premature, significantly painful, and, in lots of circumstances, preventable. The pandemic has changed neighborhood with isolation, empathy with judgment, and alternatives for therapeutic with relentless triggers. Some of those options accompany different causes of demise, however COVID has woven them collectively and inflicted them at scale. In 1 million instants, the illness has torn wounds in 9 million worlds, whereas creating the right circumstances for these wounds to fester. It has opened up personal grief to public scrutiny, all whereas depriving grievers of the collective assist they should get better. The U.S. appears intent on brushing apart its losses in its want to maneuver previous the disaster. But the grief of thousands and thousands of individuals shouldn’t be going away. “There’s no end to the grief,” Lucy Esparza-Casarez advised me. “It changes. It morphs into something different. But it’s ongoing.”

By upending the complete world, COVID may have created a shared expertise that countered the loneliness of grief. But the general public I’ve been talking with really feel profoundly lonely—indifferent from society, from their assist community, and particularly from their family members in the meanwhile of their demise.

Sabila Khan’s dad, Shafqat, had an aggressive type of Parkinson’s illness, and she or he knew their time collectively was restricted. “But every time I imagined him dying, I imagined us being with him,” she advised me. In her thoughts, the household would encircle his mattress, filling his last moments with tributes of affection and gratitude. Instead, none of them noticed him for a full month earlier than his demise. The rehab facility the place he was briefly staying closed its doorways to guests in March 2020. The household stored in contact with him by way of every day calls, however after COVID hit the ability and took Shafqat’s voice, he stopped answering. On April 6, he was rushed to a hospital simply three blocks away from the household’s home, however when he died 8 days later, “he might as well have been on a different planet,” Sabila advised me.

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Donovan James Jones beloved WWE and church. “He made his own decision to be baptized,” his mom, Teresita Horne, stated. “He was so proud.”

Most of the grievers I interviewed had comparable experiences, particularly in the course of the early pandemic. From the final time they noticed their beloved one in individual to the second they stated goodbye on a grainy display screen, their separation was absolute. They weren’t allowed to go to. Communication was unattainable as soon as ventilators grew to become needed. Updates had been scarce as a result of hospitals had been overwhelmed. There was simply the ready. Some waited whereas preventing for their very own life. Teresita Horne had spent greater than every week on a respiratory machine when her 13-year-old son, Donovan, died in a special hospital; she watched him die on her cellphone. “I remember screaming,” she advised me. “When your kids are sick, they need you, but I couldn’t be there to comfort him. I couldn’t hold his hand one last time.”

These experiences share qualities with different devastating crises. Sarah Wagner, an anthropologist at George Washington University who researches demise and mourning, sees similarities between the experiences of COVID grievers and other people whose family members went lacking throughout wars. “Families didn’t know what happened and are left to imagine those horrible last moments” in a approach that “still troubles their grief years later,” she advised me. Sabila Khan, for instance, is aware of little about her father’s last days, besides that he probably spent them “in a warzone of an ER,” she advised me. “What was he thinking? How do I even come to terms with that?” Many grievers know that dying from COVID is lengthy and grueling. Sherry Congrave Wilson was tearful however unflinching when she advised me that Felicia Ledon Crow, her finest good friend of 30 years, died struggling and alone. “I just hope and pray that she had a loving nurse, someone around who was kind to her,” Congrave Wilson stated.

The aftermath of a COVID demise is lonely too. Social rituals may help folks address guilt and uncertainty, however throughout a lot of the pandemic, funerals, wakes, and shivas haven’t occurred. Kristin Urquiza, a co-founder of the nonprofit Marked by COVID, misplaced her father in June 2020; apart from a weird digital funeral the place the connection stored glitching, she nonetheless hasn’t been capable of mourn and rejoice him with the lots of of people that beloved him. And with out retailers for collective expression, grief can stew. Hari Close, the funeral director, advised me that some folks felt that they had failed their family members twice over, first by not being with them on the finish and once more by not having the ability to rejoice their life.

After demise, routine and social connection may help mourners cope. But grievers have been disadvantaged of each due to America’s continued failure to manage the pandemic. “In addition to mourning my dad, there was that extra layer of mourning my life,” Sabila stated. Several folks advised me that mates or members of the family who as soon as would have been supportive pillars grew to become distant or unhelpful, both as a result of they started to swallow pandemic misinformation or as a result of they had been merely exhausted. When Rekha, a household good friend of mine who lives in Seattle, misplaced her dad in 2013, “everyone I knew showed up and took care of me,” she advised me. That didn’t occur when her mom died of COVID this January as a result of “everyone’s depleted,” she stated. (The Atlantic is figuring out Rekha by solely her first identify to guard her prolonged household’s want for privateness.)

Khan picture on dark background

Shafqat Khan beloved activism, sports activities, and books—American, British, South Asian classics and serials, and, “when he was especially desperate,” his daughter Sabila’s young-adult novels, she stated.

While assist has vanished, reminders of loss have proliferated. Many folks have discovered themselves isolating in now-emptier houses. The telephones on which they watched their family members die sit of their fingers day by day. The illness that has precipitated them a lot ache has been perpetually on the information and on folks’s lips—a miasma of triggers that has stored their grief uncooked. “To have to confront on an almost hourly basis everyone’s feelings about this situation that we’re in made it so much worse,” Kristin Urquiza advised me.

Many of the folks I interviewed felt that their family members instantly grew to become statistics—that their particular person tragedy was subsumed by the pandemic’s enormity, and that folks had been consistently discussing each side of the disaster besides for grief. “In American culture, grief is already a very isolating experience, but it has been even more isolating this time around—which is weird because we’re all supposed to be in this collective experience together,” Rekha stated. The pandemic’s circumstances have left her and thousands and thousands of others in an virtually paradoxical state of mass isolation. They’ve all shared in the identical tragedy however really feel so very alone.

When COVID grievers inform others about their loss, they have a tendency to get the identical responses. Do you know the way they had been uncovered? Did they’ve a preexisting situation? Were they vaccinated? Every griever I interviewed has confronted these questions, from on-line trolls and shut mates alike, and with stunning immediacy. People commonly ask Rekha if her lifeless mom was vaccinated earlier than they provide condolences or sympathies. “It’s not just one time; it’s all the time,” she stated. “It’s all the time,” Kristin Urquiza echoed.  “Pretty much from every person,” says Christina Faria, who misplaced her mom, Viola, late final 12 months.

In 1989, the grief professional Kenneth Doka coined the time period disenfranchised grief to explain conditions the place folks wrestle to deal with losses that aren’t “socially sanctioned, openly acknowledged, or publicly mourned.” That’s precisely what many Americans who’ve misplaced somebody to COVID are experiencing. The phrases we usually use to console grievers honor the relationships that demise disrupts: I’m sorry on your loss. But the questions that COVID grievers get “reduce the person to the disease,” Rebecca Morse, who research demise and loss at Divine Mercy University and is a former president of the Association for Death Education and Counseling, advised me. And they forged judgment upon the circumstances round their an infection, “which makes these deaths stigmatized and shameful,” Morse stated. If the deceased was unvaccinated, went to a bar, or had preexisting well being issues, their life turns into devalued, and their demise turns into much less tragic. When listening to about Viola’s demise, “everyone is like, ‘Oh, she was 76’ or ‘She had heart surgery’ or ‘She was overweight. What did you expect? Of course she was going to be the one to die,’” Christina advised me. Especially after vaccines grew to become accessible, COVID grew to become lumped with causes of demise similar to lung most cancers, liver illness, and AIDS, which society classifies as self-inflicted and due to this fact worthy of blame somewhat than sympathy. Instead of getting assist, many COVID grievers have been compelled to defend their family members and justify their grief.

“Everyone is having a fear response,” Rekha advised me. They’re greedy for indicators that their selections, or their lack of preexisting circumstances, make them protected. But that intuition simply turns information into stigma. If somebody’s demise matches with population-wide tendencies—in the event that they had been older, chronically in poor health, or unvaccinated—their loss is explicable, and due to this fact dismissible. The compulsion to clarify away a demise is so sturdy that though Rekha’s mom was thriving, past having hypertension, even individuals who knew her had been fast to retrofit poor well being onto their reminiscences. They’ll declare she was frail, as if “COVID was the last little bit of her dying anyway,” Rekha advised me. “And, like, You were around her, and she was fine!

At the opposite excessive, folks whose deaths don’t match with population-wide tendencies are additionally dismissed as statistical outliers who inconveniently complicate accepted notions of security. Teresita Horne retains listening to that youngsters aren’t in danger from COVID, despite the fact that she is aware of many mother and father who’ve misplaced youngsters of Donovan’s age. “You don’t hear about them,” she advised me. The odds {that a} baby will die of COVID are extremely low, but when your baby is a part of the numerator, it doesn’t matter how massive the denominator is. Similarly, vaccines are extremely efficient at stopping COVID deaths—however some vaccinated folks nonetheless die, Christina’s mom amongst them. “Everyone assumes she wasn’t vaccinated,” she advised me. “They want to believe that people didn’t do all the things they needed to do to be safe—and that’s not true for a lot of people.” When Cleavon Gilman, an ER physician, honors such of us on Twitter, he will get accused of undermining confidence in vaccines, and even being an anti-vaxxer. “It’s gotten to the point where if someone was vaccinated and died from COVID, people think you shouldn’t talk about it,” he advised me.

Grievers should additionally take care of lies and mocking. On the day that Esparza-Casarez’s husband died in April 2020, she watched a press convention during which Donald Trump said that the virus “is going away.” Zach, an artist who lives in St. Louis, noticed a clip of Ted Cruz mocking masks on the Conservative Political Action Conference whereas his father lay dying in a hospital. (The Atlantic has agreed to determine him by solely his first identify to keep away from heightening tensions in his household which have already been exacerbated by the pandemic.) “It was just a punch in the gut … the mania, the cheering, the applause,” he advised me. “Imagine if you lost someone to cancer and half the country was making fun of cancer all the time,” he stated. “Imagine that it’s just everywhere, every day, and it doesn’t go away.”

mirror reflection of man's picture on white

Mark Urquiza beloved karaoke, the Dallas Cowboys, looking, NASCAR, and other people; he was the lifetime of the celebration and “never met a stranger,” his daughter, Kristin, stated.

These dynamics have silenced many grievers, deepening their already intense isolation. Martha Greenwald, a author in Kentucky, runs a web site referred to as Who We Lost the place folks can publish tales of their family members; many accomplish that as a result of the positioning doesn’t permit feedback, making it a uncommon area the place they will share their grief with out risking judgment.

Sympathy is even scarcer for folks whose family members purchased into COVID disinformation. Kristin Urquiza’s father, Mark, took COVID severely at first however let his guard down in May 2020. Trump had stated it was time to reopen society, Arizona Governor Doug Ducey lifted restrictions, and Mark, a lifelong Republican, stated, “Why would they say it’s safe if it’s not safe?” Kristin recalled. “That’s when I lost the battle with my dad.” Later, after he caught COVID, probably at a bar, and earlier than he went into the hospital for the final time, she requested him if he felt betrayed. “My dad never, ever hesitated with his words, but there was just this long pause, and he quietly said yes,” she advised me. People have advised her that Mark deserved what he obtained. But Kristin sees him as one more sufferer of the disinformation that ran rampant amongst his social circles, his media universe, and the elected leaders he trusted. “That shouldn’t result in a death sentence,” she stated.

For greater than two years, COVID has examined America’s establishments—its political equipment, its data networks, its public-health system, its hospitals—and located all of them wanting. Several grievers advised me tales during which many failing methods crashed down upon their family members. A refugee with a household to feed isn’t eligible for monetary help and so carries on working at an oil change station all through a COVID surge, and will get contaminated. Local hospitals are overwhelmed, so a mom strikes in along with her daughter elsewhere within the nation and catches COVID from her grandkids. An immunosuppressed organ-transplant recipient dies of COVID after their baby brings it residence from college. The staff at a physician’s workplace don’t be taught that they’re COVID-positive for days, as a result of the vacations have created a backlog of exams, so a mom who turns up for an appointment for the time being will get COVID from them.

These difficult chains of occasions imply that “if you lost someone to COVID, you don’t even know where to begin to find accountability,” Alex Goldstein, who runs a memorial Twitter account referred to as @FacesofCovid, advised me. Do you blame Trump or Joe Biden? Your governor or your mayor? The one who contaminated your beloved or the one who contaminated that individual? Those who sow misinformation or those that purchase into it? The complete world? “Blame has been placed all over, and responsibility is so diffuse,” Wagner, the anthropologist at George Washington University, advised me. “It’s harder to create clear narratives,” which makes the tragedy really feel that rather more mindless.

Many grievers find yourself blaming themselves. Should I’ve pulled them out of that nursing residence? Should I’ve pushed them tougher to get vaccinated? And worst of all: Did I give them COVID? “There are so many little pivot points where things could have gone a different way,” Rebecca Morse, the death-and-loss professional, advised me. “Imagining what could or should have been done can increase both your anger and your guilt.” Rekha advised me that her anger is available in waves, “and I don’t even know what to be angry at,” she stated. “I feel like we’re all culpable to different degrees.”

Many grievers are discovering the present part of the pandemic particularly arduous. For the households of the primary 100,000 Americans to die of COVID, “there was at least a sense that the world had stopped,” Sabila Khan advised me. Now, grieving households are advised that we should be taught to dwell with the virus that solely simply tore a gap of their lives. Jeannina Smith, a physician on the University of Wisconsin at Madison, cares for organ-transplant recipients, who’re on immunosuppressive medicine and are due to this fact significantly weak to illness; she advised me that she misplaced extra sufferers within the Omicron surge than at any earlier level within the pandemic. “They did everything right—they got vaccinated and boosted and were so careful,” Smith stated, and their family members should now mourn them “while society is saying that COVID is over.”

Woman in a hat picture on black

Felicia Ledon Crow beloved orchids, tulips, DIY, reggae, and walks. She and her good friend Sherry Congrave Wilson talked about “getting old together” and being “these crazy hip old ladies,” Congrave Wilson advised me.

After Christina Faria’s mom died on December 29, 2021, her mates stated it was a harsh reminder that the pandemic wasn’t over. “But here we are, not even three months later, and no one talks about her anymore,” Christina advised me in March. She has a number of disabilities that make her weak to respiratory infections, and Viola was her main caregiver; she’s now struggling to pay her payments, hold her residence, and shield her well being. And but, she advised me, her mates are getting aggravated that she nonetheless desires to put on a masks when she isn’t required to.

Many grievers are starved for sympathy and endurance as a result of our standard understanding of grief is mistaken. An influential however deceptive mannequin means that it progresses by way of 5 levels—denial, anger, bargaining, despair, and acceptance. But in truth, it doesn’t contain discrete levels, doesn’t proceed alongside a predictable linear path, and may not finish in acceptance. “Closure” is a simplistic delusion. Grief, because it really unfolds, is erratic, and in lots of circumstances sluggish. Rekha remembers feeling pressured to maneuver previous her dad’s demise in 2013; she now feels an excessive model of the identical compulsion, as if society is insisting that that is the second for everybody to maneuver previous their pandemic grief collectively. In mid-March, after an particularly powerful week, she advised her husband that she didn’t know why she was having a foul flare-up of grief. He reminded her that her mom died a month in the past. “I had internalized this feeling that it’s time to be done with it,” she stated, “and I have to remind myself that it just happened.

Even individuals who misplaced their family members at first of the pandemic are nonetheless hurting. “Time itself heals nothing,” Morse advised me. Time merely provides folks probabilities to be taught methods of coping. But these probabilities have been stripped away by two years of social isolation and upended every day routines. And “without grappling with the daily reality of the loss, the mind doesn’t fully process what happened,” Natalia Skritskaya, an professional in extended grief at Columbia University, advised me.

Instead, many individuals “created a time capsule,” Morse stated, locking their grief away with out ever studying find out how to dwell with it. When society reopens, the capsule does too, and the grievers reemerge, nonetheless raging and sorrowful whereas everybody else has moved on. “You’re repeating the same parts of grief all over again and not able to get past it,” Keyerra Snype, a health-care employee, advised me. She misplaced her grandmother Shirley in the course of the first COVID surge, and greater than two years later, “it’s difficult all over again,” she stated.

a man's picture scene in many mirrors

David Casarez beloved sci-fi, golf, California’s Moonstone Beach, and gardening. “I called him the ‘orchid whisperer,’” his spouse, Lucy, stated.

Others are trapped in a pandemic time capsule, too, together with these whom we depend on to witness demise, stop it, or take care of its aftermath. Hari Close, the funeral director, advised me that “even though people think we are used to death, it’s been overwhelming trying to comfort families in their loss,” particularly whereas dropping members of the family and colleagues himself. Cleavon Gilman, the ER physician, advised me that many health-care employees are traumatized after two years of repeatedly telling households that their beloved one has died, “hearing that shrill cry on the phone over and over, and then going outside to see a world that’s acting like we’re lying about the numbers.” (Gilman additionally misplaced three colleagues to the pandemic: two nurses who died of COVID and a mentor who died of suicide after witnessing the primary surge.) Alanna Badgley, the EMT, felt like one thing broke after Omicron arrived. In February, “at one point, I just started crying and couldn’t stop,” she advised me. “I’m just so sad, and I don’t know how to feel better. It’s not like depression. It feels like grief.”

Some of the grievers I talked with really feel kinship with COVID long-haulers, whose lives have been flattened by months or years of relentless signs and who equally really feel dismissed, ignored, and remoted. They didn’t die of COVID, however many nonetheless misplaced a lot of their former life. After getting contaminated in October 2020, Alexis Misko can now not muster sufficient power to face for greater than 10 minutes or sit upright for greater than an hour. She was as soon as an occupational therapist and an avid hiker, and “I grieve constantly for that person,” she wrote in 2021. Nick Güthe advised me that after getting lengthy COVID, his spouse, Heidi Ferrer, went from being “one of the healthiest people I knew” to dwelling with excessive fatigue and excruciating ache. “In the last weeks of her life, she couldn’t walk, eat most foods she enjoyed, or read a book,” Nick stated. “It felt like bees were stinging her ankles all day long.” Heidi died of suicide final May. The physician who handled her on the hospital and confirmed her demise to Nick had by no means heard of lengthy COVID.

In her e-book The Myth of Closure, Pauline Boss, a therapist and pioneer within the research of ambiguous loss, presents some recommendation for pandemic grievers: “It is not closure you need but certainty that your loved one is gone, that they understood why you could not be there to comfort them, that they loved you and forgave you in their last moments of life,” she wrote. Instead of ready for a clear however legendary endpoint to 1’s loss, it’s higher to seek for “meaning and purpose in our lives after this horrific time in history,” she stated.

Nick Güthe now pours his power into elevating consciousness of lengthy COVID, partly to honor one in every of Heidi’s final requests to him. “I’ve had to talk a lot of people with long COVID off the same ledge that my wife was on, and it’s been hard to turn away from that,” he stated. “I’ve saved quite a few people at this point.” Alex Goldstein additionally feels compelled to proceed posting tributes to the deceased on his @FacesofCOVID account, as a result of it’s all the popularity that some grievers get. “A lot of folks tell me that when it’s late at night and they’re thinking about their loved one, they’ll go to the tweet and look at replies from strangers around the world,” he advised me. Four days after her dad died, Sabila Khan began a Facebook group for COVID grievers, which now has 14,000 members. Shafqat was an activist who spent years advocating for Pakistani immigrants, and “this has become a way for me to keep his memory and good work alive,” Sabila advised me. “It gives me purpose in my grief.”

In distinction to those grassroots efforts, nationwide moments of mourning and remembrance have been uncommon and fleeting. Just a few artwork tasks have powerfully commemorated the losses, however briefly. After collective tragedies, “the rites and rituals of mourning are meant to bring groups back together,” Wagner, the anthropologist, advised me. “We’re seeing a process that’s almost antithetical to that, because mourning has been so fragmented and suspended.” Sabila advised me that whilst a Muslim, she felt extra solidarity amongst fellow Americans after 9/11 than over the previous two years. “We didn’t have that rallying moment with COVID,” she advised me.

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Shirley Snype beloved butterflies, the Investigation Discovery channel, the colour purple, and “her kitten, Cici,” her granddaughter Keyerra stated.

Some of the folks I interviewed felt relieved when Biden presided over a lighting ceremony in February 2021, when the COVID demise toll was simply half what it at present is. But Kristin Urquiza advised me that such gestures are “insignificant in comparison to the massive amount of death and suffering that we’ve had.” The nonprofit that she co-founded, Marked by COVID, is pushing the U.S. towards actions extra becoming in scale. It desires the primary Monday of March to be marked as a nationwide COVID Memorial Day, and for everlasting memorials to be erected across the nation. “Putting my grief into a physical thing would take off some of the emotional heaviness,” Keyerra Snype advised me. And having a strong, lasting memorial would go some strategy to assuring grievers that their loss is actual, and that their family members mattered. Urquiza stated that she’s striving for the nation not simply to recollect her dad however to recollect all the pieces that value him his life. “We can’t just put this in a memory hole, or we’ll forget,” she stated. “I don’t want anyone to ever feel what I’ve had to feel.”

Wagner has seen comparable dynamics after previous atrocities, during which bereaved members of the family discovered themselves having to struggle for recognition and reconciliation. “Why on earth should someone who lost multiple members of their family not be allowed to be with their grief, instead of bearing the responsibility for repairing society?” she stated. “When it isn’t politically expedient for those in positions of power to commemorate the deaths and extend forms of reparation, it falls on the families.”

If there’s one factor Teresita Horne desires the world to find out about Donovan, it’s that “he was one of the kindest souls anyone would have met,” she advised me. Kindness can be the factor she most desires from everybody else, irrespective of their politics or their positions on the pandemic’s quite a few controversies. One million folks died in simply over two years. It must be incontestable that they’re gone, that they mattered, and that the thousands and thousands extra who beloved them ought to get the grace and area to grieve and mourn.


All portraits featured listed below are courtesy of household and mates of the folks pictured.



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